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Rants & Revelations
Satnam's Journal
Current Month
Jun. 14th, 2018 @ 09:38 am A Return
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Man In The Box

So as usual I forget to post on my journal even though I guide people to write journals for self-reflection and therapy. Seems I don't do this because, well, I'm probably fearful of my own thoughts lately. 

What has life done to me the past year or so? Ah, to list.

Amazon: New job, big money, hard work. I feel like I'm failing every single day. I could write 10,000 words on what the emotional drain has been just the last 6 months. I'd probably write a bit about it but I need to get my thoughts in order. 

Daughters: Grown, out of the home, 1 married the other a college graduate and their father...so proud. Yet I feel so empty at times. 

BMW: yep, got one finally! I love it. The smell of the leather, the sound of my music blasting out of the speakers, the exhilaration of the twin-turbo engine. Ultimate Driving Machine...Agreed.

Relationships: LMAO, I am not even sure what I want in life anymore. My head and my heart are in two different places

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May. 10th, 2017 @ 09:27 pm ...and there it is...
So you get the call, the one you've been waiting for and you are unable to express the feeling.
How do you share great news, and then suddenly try to not be sick thinking about the worst-case scenario?

You live life long enough, get kicked, beaten, betrayed and hurt; you're put down and made to feel worthless so much that you suddenly believe that everyone is right. The stories of people overcoming great obstacles are just that to you, stories. It can't be you, you're worthless you remind yourself.

So when it seems you've caught that break, you just wait for the rug to be pulled out from under you.

I'm waiting for the fall... it always comes. Always
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May. 9th, 2017 @ 09:56 pm Falling apart
You think you may have some control in your life, there is some sort of routine and things are not perfect but you are trying to make it good. Then out of nowhere it all changes and you're shocked, dismayed and then devastated. It's the worse feeling as you lose something you thought was a given, a constant as they say in math. Where you go from there is now up to you and you may seem lost.

I've been there, once is to many times, but I've been there several times. Now someone I care about just experienced it and I feel helpless for them. What can I say to them? I mean I know how they feel but you can't go hold them and nothing you type in a chat box can make them understand your empathy.

Now I feel empty, cause I can't help them. I feel like a feeble friend who is useless.

I'll pray they can come out of this wiser and stronger than I was, and plead with God that their pain can become mine as they are still alive, while I'm mostly dead inside now

Sleep with Angels
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May. 8th, 2017 @ 08:46 pm tick tock
So this waiting for a response is painful, and with my brain I know at some point I'll give up on the optimism and just default to that wait for the other shoe to fall. I mean why expect anything else right?

I'm so used to being let down, to not measuring up or being useless that why should I expect something different ever. I think I'm just gonna go through life with my daydreams and toil away until death takes me. Hopefully before I become a burden on my children... or anyone else for that matter.

I hate waiting...hate it
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May. 7th, 2017 @ 10:06 pm end of a weekend
How long before people will realize you're actually falling to pieces and are just putting up a front to seem like you're all together?
I feel fragmented, I feel alone and I feel the energy being drained from me. My insides are dying out again, depression is coming like a motherfucker and I can't help it.
The weekend is over, and seems that tomorrow I have to go back to being a zombie, working while my soul is slowly being turned to dust.

I need something to break... it may just be me.
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May. 5th, 2017 @ 08:27 pm To the amazon...
So I had an interview at Amazon today, it was difficult.
4 different managers for 45 minutes each along with a tour of an enormous facility and a math test. Yes math. Yes, TEST.

The final manager I sat with also added to the math problem by putting in more options. Of course I got everything correct however I was second-guessing myself having miscalculated my scratch paper notes. Yeah they gave you a pen and scratch paper... it was like being in school.

I'm done though however, and now the waiting game begins.

I hate the waiting game

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Apr. 28th, 2017 @ 08:55 pm When you're alone... if ever
Current Music: While you see chance - steve winwood
When you find yourself alone just what do you do? When do you make solitude into loneliness?
Is a little solitude good for you, well of course, we know it is especially if you can find ways to calm your mind or to fire it up with some new learning.

Sometimes the best conversations to escape the long day is ones you have with yourself, your garden or your pillow. You get uninterrupted listening from these as opposed to the chatter and drama of others around you.

There are people who hate to be alone; because they can't spend time with themselves. That is sadder than loneliness will ever be in my opinion.

Sleep with Angels

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Apr. 21st, 2017 @ 08:47 pm No more real love
Do people really love each other anymore?
I mean beyond looks, wealth and short-term satisfaction?

Where is the person that will love you when you're old, gray, slow, forgetful and visit the doctor more than the bar?

The world has become a disposable thing, everything is temporary and nothing is cared for anymore. I think soon the word cherish may actually just disappear from our lexicon forever. We don't cherish anything, we misuse the word for some disposable object of our lives. Our phones, cars etc.

The world is so cold and emotionless yet we lie to ourselves and others that we have become so close to each other. We haven't. It's a great lie. With the advent of texting, IM and such all we do is snap a photo, write with hieroglyphics and generally don't complete thoughts or sentences and think we've conversed. We don't connect, if we act like of any of these are connecting then yes we're all truly lost.

Humans were not meant to communicate from texts, we're supposed to use our senses. To hear the words not just the voice but the expression and the tone, you see and feel the emotions in the words. The wideness of a grin, the sparkle of smiling eyes, are all things that make us connect. We're not connected and don't be fooled by ATT/Sprint/Verizon, we're more isolated than ever. We've even excused spelling and have devolved to grunts (leet) FYI-TTYL-ATM.

Perhaps I can find and old soul, not sure if any are left...

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Apr. 20th, 2017 @ 08:23 pm A mind astray and in overdrive
My brain has been on hyperspeed this week focus has been something I only can dream about and wish for. There are things happening everyday so rapidly but when the evening comes around I can't seem to even think about how to put them down into print.
I pigged out today and so the self-loathing starts. What is pigging out these days? It was teriyaki chicken and white rice from the food truck. Some very crisp veggies are in it and it was probably only 500 calories in total but I'm going hate myself when I get on the scale tomorrow. Getting the gym was a fight this morning too, I didn't to go and I already can hear the excuses whispering into my inner ears from that dark place in my mind.
The motivational me as getting his ass kicked today, but worse yet, the manic-Sat has been set loose all day long. I was a chatterbox today, speaking like a complete tweaker who just snorted a fat rail of crank. It's a side of me, when out, I'm surprised doesn't set people's alert status up; they must know something is wrong cause why else would I be this way suddenly. I caught myself a few times and walked back into my office and did deep-breathing to calm myself, lower my pulse and clear my head. The noon walk helped a bit but by 3PM I was raging again.
So much is going on in my head, my imagination is running amok, and I the manic outburst are borderline anxiety attacks. It's gnawing at me, the panic inside, I feel it swelling up and waiting for the bulge to burst and the terror to grip me. I'm trapped, in a life I don't want. A body I loathe. A mind I know is broken...
Escape... I don't know if I can, or if I ever will. I'm useful in spurts, small respites from the usual uselessness that is my being.

My day was a waste today... I wasn't needed. I made no difference in my existence.
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Apr. 16th, 2017 @ 08:33 pm Life changes but then it really doesn't
Another weekend is coming to an end. I am jotting down thoughts and getting ready to lay down for the night.
4am wake up and gym are a must tomorrow to work off the sushi, alcohol and pizza that was known as this weekend. I've totally decided to cheat on my diet and myself this weekend. I figure my body can feel how my heart usually does... betrayed.

Betrayal is common in today's world, people you think respect you lie to your face. They hide things from you when you are there to help them and then probably feel good about themselves cause they believe they're so much smarter now. I'm tired of being let down by those I trust; tired of it! When a person loses my trust I quickly throw that door shut on them, I may not lock it the first time but trust me if I ever let them back in and the do it again then the emotional door is sealed forever. I am as passionately vile and loathsome as I am kind and getting on my dark side is not for the feint or sensitive of heart. I will make you cry!

"Promises in the Dark" by Pat Benatar, such a fitting tune to what I've let happen to me.

I must make these next 5 days really good workout and diet days, there has to be some good lifting and cardio every morning. I am going to beat myself up physically as penance for the letting my heart be hurt again. I swear I'd sell my heart for a $1 if I could live without it; living with it broken isn't living either.

Sleep with Angels my friend

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